I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Barsexuality is the new black.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
