Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Randomize
