I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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