so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
