i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
