Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
