I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
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