Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize