life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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