I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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