And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
