i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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