my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
