Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
