My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
