I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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