I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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