Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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