i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Randomize
