u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
