I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize