I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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