you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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