anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
