Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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