god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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