I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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