If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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