how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
