Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
