Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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