i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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