So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize