I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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