good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
