If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize