Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I wish I only lived at night.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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