how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
