I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
