This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I need water and some morals
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
