I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
