I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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