with your own penis?
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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