Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
