I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
