I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
