Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
