My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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