I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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