Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
