She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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