I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
