just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You ruined the universe
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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