The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
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