More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
