The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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