I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
