Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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