you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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