Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
