put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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